William Holland — An Assistant Director Forgets Himself (1926) 🇺🇸

An assistant director forgets himself and tells what happened on the set

by William Holland

I held an assistant’s job for quite a while with a certain producer who believes that all human drama begins and ends with lions. Whether it’s in Africa or New*York — his characters must meet up with lions. His world is simply littered with lions. Well, one day after shootin’ a Western, this producer came in the projection room to see the rough cut of it. In the big scene where the heavy was being chased by a pack of wolves I noticed that the producer started to squirm. “Vy should that guy be afraid from dogs?” “Those aren’t dogs,” we answered, “they’re wolves.” “Vell, it looks like dogs,” he replied with an impatient gesture, “and men ain’t afraid from dogs. It don’t look very dangerous — make him a lion.” “But they don’t have any lions in the part of the country shown,” we replied. “Well, what of it? We’ve got ten*lions on the lot, haven’t we? Take vun up!”

On another occasion when we were making a situation comedy without lions, the producer looks on for a while, and then says: “I don’t see you usin’ no lions in this here picture.” We explained that the story didn’t call for any lions. “Vell,” he said, “we must use lions! Shave them! Paint ‘em! Disguise ‘em! But use ‘em! We’re feedin’ em.”

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Speaking of lions, reminds me of a story that Charlie Gay, the famous lion tamer, tells on one of his Zoo assistants. It seems that this helper was a small man who was married to a big woman who continually argued with him. One night, he sneaked out of the house and didn’t turn up all night. In the morning, she looks around and finds that he’d taken refuge in a lion’s cage. She just gave him one look of contempt, and said: “You coward.”

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A dumb, but self-important bird arrived from New*York one day with a contract to cut pictures. It turned out that he had never seen a piece of film in his life, and dumb, so dumb that I doubt if he could generate an idea if he were thrown head-long into the wound of knowledge itself. One day, out of curiosity, he opens up a can of film that has just been laid down by a cameraman containing stuff shot that day, but not developed. Of course, it changed color right before his eyes when the sun hit it. He gets sort of scared, feeling that all was not right, and asks the cameraman what color film is. Well, after he got out of the hospital!

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We were usin’ a dog in an Andy Gump comedy, but he developed rheumatism right in the middle of the picture. It slowed him up so bad that even by cranking eight*or ten*we couldn’t get any speed out of him. He looked about as menacing as Fay Tincher. Well, some bonehead tells the humane society and these birds with something to do at last, pay us a visit and order the dog shot. Well, as they were old maids, we get Joe Murphy to vamp them and they finally agreed to let us finish the picture with the understanding that the dog was to be shot immediately thereafter. We had to get the scenes, so we cover the stage with chicken wiring and then hooked up with the switchboard. When the dog got the juice shot into him on his entrance, he came to life like Joe Murphy does when a dame passes the set. We got the scenes in no time, and the laugh is that the electricity cured the dog and we didn’t have to shoot him. Am thinking of trying it on Joe, too, sometime.

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We needed a large number of whiskey and gin bottles for a Neeley Edwards comedy, but were unable to buy any — we tried several places without success. It seems the bootleggers had all of them. We decided to drive around and call couple of movie stars that I knew drank now and then, figuring I could get a bootlegger’s phone number in this way. However, we didn’t have to call on any bootleggers after all, for we had a car full of empty bottles after visiting two houses. But that didn’t end our trouble. A revenue man spotted the bottles in the car while we were eating and figured that we were going to fill up the bottles later on from a still. We almost tangled up in a fist fight. He followed us until we drove into the studio gate and then feeling kinda cheap, he beat it to get a drink of gin to brace himself.

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We used a flock of bees at Universal on an Andy Gump that almost caused a panic. They stung Fay Tincher and she had to use a pillow whenever she sat down. The Director tells Fay that the bees won’t sting if she doesn’t strike at them, and to give her confidence, he goes thru the scene for her. However, he didn’t know the bees, and the prop-man had to dig up another pillow for the director. Jack Hoxie was working in the next set, and in the big scene where he takes little Nell into his arms and is about to kiss her, one of our playful bees travels over and lands on the girl’s lips as he finally kisses her. When stung, he pulls out a gun and starts firing — his director thought he was crazy until another bee sat down on his neck. Pretty soon, all Hoxie’s cowboys were dodging bees, and had to quit and change to outside scenes. The studio manager orders us to get rid of the bees, but it was easier said than done, for the bees were good and mad by now. The prop-man decided to smoke them out with a smoke-pot. It was then the noon hour, and all the stars had to pass the building from which the bees were making their hurried exit. And I don’t think the bees missed any of them either. I never heard such a squack in my life. Then a bee, in revenge, turns on the prop-man and he drops a lighted smoke-pot and it set fire to the canvas in the set and it looked like the studio was going to burn down. The fire department arrived and had a hard time fighting the fire and bees at the same time. Every now and then when a fireman got stung, his hose would get aimed in the wrong direction and the actors looking on would get soaked. Well, after it’s all over, the director calls me down for not having ordered trained bees. Later in the day, a flower-pot fell from above and landed on his head — he still thinks it was an accident.

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We made a boat picture at Balboa recently, but had a lot of grief. On our way down, the car broke down and the prop-truck got lost. Then the leading lady discovered that she had left part of her wardrobe at the studio. The houseboat was found to be all wrong, and we nearly came to fist blows with the carpenters before we had the necessary changes made. It was nearly noon by now, but we set the camera up on a parallel sunk in the water and started to shoot the first scene. A wind storm came up and the director lost his balance and fell overboard. We got him out all right, and started once more, but the rope holding the house-boat to the pier broke and the house started to drift away. We knocked off for lunch while the carpenters towed it back. However, the prop-man had forgot to put the lunches on the truck, and we lost another hour going to town for dinner. After lunch, we try our luck again and get a few scenes. Then we decide to shoot the big fire scene. We explain the action to the fire-boat tug captain and give the cue to the prop-man to touch a match to the house. The wind was doing pretty good by now. Well, the house is set afire all right and starts to drift to sea with the actors at the windows hollering for help. The wind soon fanned the flames into a blaze. The director who stutters, tried to tell them to jump, but they didn’t understand. He flags the fire-tug to go to the rescue, but something happened to their engine and they couldn’t move. The director finally is able to holler at the captain of the tug-boat, but this bird hollers back, “Say, who in hell is running this boat.” Well, the actors get wise and jump. Then the tug-boat comes to life again and starts for the house-boat, but the captain is so rattled that he runs right into the side of the house-boat and spills himself and his crew into the water. Meanwhile, it was growing dark, and the house was nearly gone in flames, so we decided to change the story to a nice quiet bedroom comedy.

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We hired a double to shoot a jump off a building. Everything was made ready and the fellow made a beautiful jump, but the cameraman forgot his crank-handle and was unable to photograph the scene. The last I heard of him was that he is still running.

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Illustrated by Charles Joseph Mulholland

We used a flock of bees on an Andy Gump comedy at Universal that almost caused a panic

“Coward,” called his irate wife, when she discovered him in the lion’s cage

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In the big scene where the heavy was being chased by a pack of wolves, I noticed that the producer started to squirm. “Vy should that guy be afraid from dogs?” he asked

The cameraman forgot his crank-handle and was unable to photograph the scene

Collection: Motion Picture Magazine, August 1926