Jimmy Durante goes Loopy (1934) đșđž
Betrayed by Garbo and bitten by Lupe, Jimmy stands amazed â a thorn between two roses
by Barbara Barry
Itâs my patriotic complexion what done it. Just the Demogogue in me, see? If a swell guy like Roosevelt can give da whole woild a ânew deal,â who am I to be stingy wit a ting like my masculine platitude? Who am I to put myself outa circulation just on account of Garbo happens to be a one-man woman???
Garboâs a nice kid. Me anâ her was practically like âthat.â But she betrayed me. Thatâs what she done... betrayed me! Me... what give her the best years of my life, sequestioned myself from society. Me... what can mingle wit da elete... da intelligentria. I give up everytâing â body anâ soul â jusâ to prove dat I meant business. Anâ she betrayed me! Da rank futurity of it eats into my soul like asafetida!
Garbo was one of dem strong, silent dames what a guy can talk to without needinâ a coal chisel ta get a woid in horizontal. Night after night, I sits in her patio, talkinâ about da physiology of Life. Anâ stuff. Night after night, see? Of course, sheâd be in-a kitchen, eatinâ lapska. But, we didnât innerfere wit each other. Dat was da utter philanthropy of da ting. She lets me talk. Anâ I lets her eat lapska. What could I lose??
Why did Garbo go back to Sweden da lasâ time? Ask me, why did she go?? It was a misunnerstandinâ, datâs what it was. Iâm over to her house, see? Anâ she wants ta play cro-kett.
âCro-kett??â I says. âNaw â datâs askinâ too much. I canât be coy,â I says. âIâm all man. Justa mass-a muscle.â Anâ I show her my magnificent bipeds. âIf ya gotta play,â I compromises her, _______
âmake it juiy jitsoo. I been takinâ a correspondence course in-a manly art of self presavation, and Iâll show ya a twist I loined in da last lesson.â
So I takes her by da right ear and da left heel anâ den I goes târough da motions, like it says in da book, see? Well, I come out all right, but, it seems I was a little prevalent wit dat particular lesson. âCause I just nicely gets âer in what looks tâ be a combination half-Nelson anâ a two-anâ-a-half gainer, when somethinâ slips, anâ dere she is â da goil friend, see? â all tied up like a four-in-hand â anâ me witout da combination! Ah-h-hh, da mortifyinâ humidity of it! Da heart-rendinâ frugality of da whole episode!
Far into da night I sits on Garboâs front porch, waitinâ for da mailman to get dere wit my next lesson. Anâ when he finally gets dere anâ I put her back in-a perpendiculus... what does she say?? I ask ya... does she tank me like I desoives? Me, what sat up all night, waitinâ for da mailman, witâ my heart full-a compensation for her predicability?
NA-A A-AH... she ups and says: âAy tank ay go homeâ â datâs what she says! Anâ den she goes, witout foider ado about nuttinâ. Iâm busted wide open wit angwich. My goil walks out on me, anâ itâs all my own respirability. On account of I wonât play cro-kett!
âJimmy,â I says to myself, âya buttered your bread â now lie in it.â Tryinâ ta be psychological, see? But, I canât take it. I jusâ canât take it. So, what does I do? After a montâ of not eatinâ more dan free meals a day anâ sleepinâ less dan eight hours a night, I breaks. Bruised anâ bleedinâ under da burninâ injustice of da ting, I gives in anâ cables her. Collect.
âCome home,â I says in-a cable. âAll is forgiven. P. S. â Iâll play cro-kett.â
Da magnitude of it should-a touched a heart of amalgamated steel. But, does she answer?? Ha-aa-a-ah... not a woid! Not a woid ta soothe da irrigation of my desecrated poisonality!
Anâ den all of a sudden Loopy comes inta my life.
Funny, how her anâ me happened ta
get âthat wayâ about each other. Here we was, workinâ on-a same lot... practically eatinâ off-a da same plate, witout realizinâ dat a Big Moment was about ta sneak up on us... see?
It was when we worked in-a same show, in Noo Yawk, that da dam busted. Honest, I get all over gooseberry-pimples when I think of it.
There was a scene when I comes out on-a stage in a bathinâ suit, see? That was what done it. Da bathinâ suit. Wit me hanginâ outa da open spaces.
Little did my Public suspect what was goinâ on underneatâ my Beau Broomel exterior. It was a shock, see? Even da audience didnât know whether to laugh or cry. So, dey laughed.
Dere I stood in all my masculine platitude. Justa massa-a muscle.
What did Loopy do? What did she do? Ha-a-aa-ah? Sheâd been kickinâ me in-a... well, in-a first act, when I had my clothes on, see? But what does she do when she sees me in da bathinâ suit? Oh, Boy! Fer a minute, she jusâ stanâs dere, gaspinâ. Den she hops over to where Iâm standinâ anâ plants da kick of da season right in my... well, anyhow, in-a second act. Anâ â dere it was! Love at foist sight!
It wasnât no ordinary kick, see? It was different. Fulla meaninâ anâ sediment. A beautiful fought, boy. A beautiful fought!
Dere I stand, see? Overcome wit emulsion. My heart playinâ a xylophone solo on my ribs. I couldnât help it. De emulsion was too great. I hadda show my feelinâs, audience or no audience. So I picked âer up anâ tru âer in-a orchestra pit.
Dat excruciatinâ kick had brought out da Tarzan in me, anâ Nature â anâ us Durantes â in da raw, is never mild.
Well, dey pried Loopy outa da bass vile anâ she scrams back up on-a stage. Her beautiful brown orbits is shininâ with love-lights, or somethinâ, anâ I stands dere, kinda relapsed, see? Waitinâ for Nature to take its course.
I donât have ta wait long, either. Wit a whoop dat would make Tarzan look like a dummy, she does a âflyinâ Dutchmanâ anâ makes a poifect free point landinâ... right in my top-hair! Boy, what a night! What a night!! Hotcha-aa-cha-a-aa-a!
Loopy bites my ears, kicks me in-a shins, anâ kisses me... Ha-aa-ah! Them kisses!! I looks in-a mirror anâ yells for a doctor, f inkinâ Iâm bleedinâ, see? But itâs lipstick. Da prevalent kind dat donât come off easy. I gotta go f rough da rest of da show wit da mark on my pan.
Da audience tinks itâs all in-a act, see? Anâ dey roll in-a aisle, little suspectinâ dat me... da Casanova of da Pacific Coast... has just been caught on-a rebounce.
After da foist shock, I tries to get hold-a myself. Da show must go on, see? Besides, da repoignance of love in-a bud should be confiscated to da privacy of a guyâs sanctum sanatorium, anâ not tossed like a silk poise before swinesâ ears.
So I tries to be nonplussed. âSheâs nuts!â I tells da audience. But Loopy ainât got no control a-tall. She ainât got no control.
âOo-o-oo-o, thees Jee-mee!â she yells, sinkinâ her teeth inta my schnozzle. âI love heem!... He eees so bee-u-ti-fool!â
After da peace anâ quiet of my romance wit Garbo, it was like takinâ a vacation in-a rivetinâ department of a boiler factory. Noisy, but different.
By the time we gets back to Hollywood, Iâm losinâ weight steady, besides takenâ all my meals off-a da mantel, on accounten de ultra-violent a la mode of Loopyâs technicality. I ainât complaininâ, see? Love has me in itâs power-house anâ I kin take it witout gripinâ. But, not witout a struggle, see? If she wants-a make a wrassle out-a da Great Emulsion, I says to myself, Iâll drag my juiy jitsoo out-a da mothballs... winner take all.
SO I does. Anâ what happens? Da humiliatinâ morbidity of da ting practically grinds my spirit inta da asphalt! Loopy knows more holds dan Gus Sonnenberg. Anâ what does she do? She gets me in-a compromisinâ position, anâ den she goes out wit Johnny Weissmuller, just-a make me good anâ jealous, see?
Da next day, I reads in-a paper where Garboâs cominâ back to Hollywood. If jusâ like I fought... she canât forget me. My poisonality has got under her skin, anâ sheâs cominâ back to pick up da busted f reads of our immoral romance. Iâm on-a spot anâ I gotta tink fast. Two wimmen crazy about me â anâ what wimmen! Dereâs only one answer.. I should-a been twins. Boy! I should-a been twins!
Wit Loopy runninâ around wit Tarzanâ just-a make me jealous â I figures I gotta right to precipitate. Whatâs sauce for da goose is applesauce fer Gandhi I says. So I goes down to da boat to meet Garbo. I ainât one to hold-a grudge, see? If sheâs sorry fer walkinâ out on me like she went anâ done, who am I ta be obdurante about it?
Iâm standinâ on-a dock, ready ta let by-gones be by-gones, when da boat pulls into da parkinâ place anâ... dere stands Garbo, lookinâ more glorified dan ever.
She ainât got no disguise on. No colored glasses... no collar turned up. Nuttinâ. Iâm dumfloundered! My heartâs thumpinâ like a rivetinâ machine. Anâ den... what does she do? She talks! Garbo... what I been dependinâ on ta kep da peace, like she got me used to... opens her mouf anâ what does she say?
Ha-aa-ah... da disilluminatinâ super-acidity of da whole ting!
She says, âOne never knows what tomorrow will bring, does one?â Datâs what she says!
Da bitter injustice of it cuts me to da quits. Stealinâ my stuff! My physiology! My very woids!! Iâm overcome wit da ungratitude of it.... da ungratitude of it.
I can forgive her fer talkinâ. But, she betrayed me... Ha-aa-a-ah I wants to drop da asbestos on-a whole humiliatinâ episode.
Like a whipped dog I slinks back to Hollywood... anâ Loopy. Dereâs a woman! Haa-a-ah! She might go out wit Tarzan now anâ den, just-a make me jealous, see? She might bite my schnozzle anâ out-smart me at juiy jitsoo. But, she wouldnât betray me. Not Loopy! No... not Loopy! Not much!
Hotcha-aa-cha-a-aa-a!
What-a-man Durante in a special pose showing what the well-dressed man can wear â if he can get away with it.
Left: Jimmy and Lupe in a scene from the RKO picture âStrictly Dynamite.â
The New Movie Magazine, July 1934